Lizzie on Location

West Texas is a Whore in Sheep’s Clothing | March 30, 2010

Had I never driven through west Texas I would have said that the entire world is wrong about Texas and that it was the greatest place on Earth.  In reality, Eastern Texas is pretty awesome.  Western Texas takes away so many cool points from the rest of the state though that Eastern Texas rates as a 3 out of 10 because they are in the same borders.

Reasons that west Texas is a whore:

1. The entire 600 miles of it is a police state.

2. The entire 600 miles of it looks like “The Hills Have Eyes.”  At best.

3. The police are hyper active and think they are gonna be the next Steven Segal.

4. NOTHING is open past midnight.  Not even the drive thru daiquiri place.

5. There is a daytime speed limit and a night time speed limit.

As it turns out, you have to drive through the western portion of Texas to get to Arizona.  Here is how my drive went down:

The night time speed limit is 65, the daytime is 80.  Ummmmm yeah, kind of a HUGE difference.  I figured 73 was a nice medium right?

At around 10:30 pm I get stopped for speeding by the Texas highway patrol.  The officer gave me a warning, but here are the best quotes to come out of his mouth during our roadside interaction:

“Sweetie, things are a lot different here in west Texas.”

“Austin is full of fruit loops.”

“Don’t worry, you weren’t going all that fast, you just gotta slow down at night.”

So, I slowed down….. until I stopped at a rest area in the middle of nowhere and realized that I was standing in the middle of the set for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Hills Have Eyes”, and every other scary ass, inbred themed, attack and kill outsiders movie I have ever seen.

I get back on the road and decide I can speed my way to the next town to get a hotel cause fuck this place at night.

(There were random fires burning along the way.  Like bum fires, you know in the big metal drums and such.  But NO people around.  Nothing. No houses no lights.  Just barrel fires.)

Just as I hit my comfortable speed of 73 again, whoop whoop!!!!  That’s the sound of the police!!

Well, after my first experience with the Texas Highway Patrol I decide I am not worried because they were so nice.  All of this was about to change….

I get pulled over by the K9 unit.  I see the badge on his uniform as soon as he walks up to my car.  He leans into my car to start questioning me.  Mind you, I have been pulled over at least 20 times.  I mostly know my rights and I definitely know when a cop is going to fuck with me.  His body language starts our relationship off on the wrong foot.

He begins asking me the normal questions but quickly makes the decision to pull me out of my vehicle.  I play dumb, like why would he want to do that?  But I comply, what else am I gonna do?

He begins asking me very unrelated questions to my being pulled over.  Some of them were:

“How do you afford to drive across the country?”

“Please give me the names of the people you have visited and locations of every place you have been.”

“Is you car actually registered to you?”

And finally the real reason he pulled me out “Do you have narcotics on you?”

I answer all of his questions honestly and he asks me if he can search my car.

I respond with “Officer I am not 100% sure of my rights here, but I think I can tell you no, so no you can’t I would like to leave.”

At this point he explains that he will have to use the drug dog to find whatever it is he thinks is in my car.

He hands me his flashlight and says “you need to look for bugs and snakes around you feet.”

I freak out of course and ask him why on earth he would have me out here in this.  To which I receive no response.

Him, his cop friend, and the dog search my car and of course find nothing.

At this point he realizes my story is legit, I am NOT actually a drug mule, and he just keeps saying over and over with a perplexed look on his face “I just don’t understand, I can smell narcotics.”

I am released and I immediately get a hotel and stay off the roads until daylight.

Here is the problem with everything that has gone down with this story.  First of all, I am not saying that drugs are good and should be transported all over the country.  However, we as citizens have effectively voted in a police state where the cops can do whatever they want based on their word.  He SWORE up and down that there were drugs in my car.  He had the right to search me, but as a citizen I had no rights.  That is not the way I want to live.

Further more, in Texas and New Mexico, we have now given the border patrol the right to pull EVERY SINGLE CAR on I-10 over to pass through a border inspection.  Now, I would like to point out that while I-10 runs very near the Mexican border, it doesn’t actually cross it.  As an American citizen, driving across AMERICA, I am forced to pull over and be subject to a search of my vehicle if they deem it worthy.  And they can destroy your car and have no repercussions for doing so.

The border patrol has more rights than any other police force.  They can do whatever they want whenever they want because they “protect our national security.”   And we as citizens have signed off on this as being ok.  It is not ok.  If you didn’t cross a border, you should not run into the border patrol.  And although I understand all the awful stuff happening with Mexico, I can’t help but wonder how many brown faced American’s get harassed at these forced inspections for no reason except their genealogy.

Texas is a down low whore.  Everyone suspects she has a couple illegitimate kids and herpes, but no one really knows.  Until they date her and the truth comes out.  Well it turns out Texas is a whore in sheep’s clothing, fun as shit at first but will leave you alone and diseased by daylight.

 

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To begin with, this is not for baby ears or the weak. By baby ears I mean people with sensitivity issues and the under 18 crowd. I am crass and if you are easily offended by my language and/or opinions and/or comments and/or behavior, you can get the fuck over yourself..... (sorry mom and anyone else who loves me but wishes my mouth was less filthy.)

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